A Swim in the Pond

Mid-Life Crisis!?!?!?
20 January 2009

Am I in one? I dunno! I know that I don't want to be 20 again. Lord, dealing with all my junk and the uncertainties that the future held were difficult enough to go through the first time.

On the other hand, I am finding myself to be in the middle of a bad case of the wondering abouts. I am wondering about old friends, boyfriends, places, events and even music. I find myself listening to classic radio and telling stories from the mid 80's to mid- 90's.

I have often spoken about my past ability to move from one place to another overnight. I could pack my car in an afternoon and be off to my next destination. I was 31 before I had a permanent address.

One afternoon I found a job announcement printout on my desk at work. There were exciting positions, for which I qualified, being offered all over the world. I began to look through the different jobs and I was halfway to making a choice when I realized that I owned a house and was married to a man who would have to leave his job as well.

Suddenly, I realized that I had attached myself to one place and was immobile. I experienced a bit of a panic attack. It would be very difficult for me to take one of the listed jobs. (I think it was one of the first time in my life that I had to think of someone other than myself!) I had just purchased living room furniture and new bed. There was no way that I was going to be able to get all that stuff in my 87 Accord!

I continue to find myself remembering the times in my life when I knew it was good to be young, pretty and un-attached.

When I was in college, I was buying a diet coke with a friend at a gas station. We were both 20 something and it was a very hot day. We were wearing our cutest shorts and were also noticing the cute men who were noticing us.

A 40 something female noticed our dress and behavior as she pulled up to the same store. She gave us an "oh puhleeze" look as she passed our car on her way into the store. We looked at her, rolled our eyes, and then we looked at each other and giggled. We understood that we had the advantage in the situation and we loved every second of the attention we were getting.

I am now the 40 something irritated woman and can look back at myself and understand what I snot I was. Oh how time flies when you are being a brat! Oh, by the way, at the time my friend was dating a 38 year old LSU Theatre professor!

On the other side of 20 years, I am loving reconnecting with old friends on Facebook and seeing pictures of how they have changed and what they have become. It's funny. When I find an old friend and send an email, we are generally thrilled to hear from each other as we send photos and job descriptions. Then, there does not seem to be much to talk about. And, usually, we are mutually satisfied with the exchange and are able to move on with the later halves of our lives.

("Same Old Lang Syne" lyrics by Dan Fogelberg would fit perfectly here.)

"Saw my old lover in the grocery store..."

There are a few exceptions however. I find the friends that I made when I was in Seminary to be closer. There was a time when we allowed ourselves to loose touch, but when we were around each other again, we realized that it would be silly to continue to take our relationships for granted.

I was also shocked at the ages of the people in entertainment who died in 2008. Some of those people were in high school at the same time as me. 51 is not that far of a toss from 41. Can we just say eeeek! Get those things done on your "list of things I want to do before I die" lists.

Maybe this is a mid-life crisis. I do miss those days but I don't necessarily want them back. Golly, I was a bit of a drama queened weenie... I sure did have some fun though! The good times were absolutely great but the bad times were really... really... bad.

I much prefer my current life of equilibrium and insight. I drive slower as I listen to Country music and NPR on the radio. I just seem to prefer to stay in on the weekends. I haven't been to a concert or an amusement park in years and it has been quite sometime since I last skinned a knee.

Just call be boring, fat, and happy! (WINK!) (TING!) Charming wink and smile still in tact!

posted by Ash @ 1/20/2009 12:19:00 PM, , links to this post

Baggage!
13 January 2009

I have recently come to the conclusion that I have spent the majority of my adult life packin (southern term meaning the same as the present progressive verb "to carry") some emotional baggage. Some of you are saying to yourselves, noooooo... really??!!

I have spent the past week or so unpacking and discarding some EMO stuff from 20 years ago! Aren't we (person's of Christ) supposed to be over all that junk! Apparently, NO!

Now, I would also like to take this opportunity to say that I have THE most incredible and wonderful husband on earth! This man, who I have been married to for nearly 11 years, actually allowed me to wake him (out of a dead sleep) at 2 AM in order to comfort me as I cried over past boyfriends! Can we say "jackpot" girls! Look for my name and image on a billboard coming to your city or town very soon! It will read as follows!

"Average looking girl with prickly disposition and slight case of PTSD induced love shyness has hit the Progressive Jackpot! $7.99 Steak Dinner and Sammy Davis Junior Tribute Show included!"

My tears were not about longing for anyone or even wishing that things could have been different. I was just experiencing some very painful regret and remorse. my, my, my, the silly things a broken hearted girl will do! Have you ever heard the expression about a woman scorned? Well, call me a cliche!

I am praising God for His ability to continue to love and heal a girl like me. Oh how I feel for the men in my past! Allow me to use this forum to say,

"You forgive?"

I will provide you with a milder example of man torture from my Seminary days...

There was a late 20 something fellow who sat behind me in Dennis Parrish's acting class. He was very cute, just my type, and an extremely macho former police officer. I found my self to be painfully shy and at a loss for words when ever I was around him. I had a little crush and often found myself in a daydream starring said macho man. I also noticed that he often sat "near" me in chapel and in class. Every once in a while he would sit with me in the coffee shop or in the library. One afternoon, I was in the post office getting my mail and he walked up behind me to say hello. I was immediately weird! I had gotten a piece of mail from Louisiana and mumbled something about Louisiana food and culture. He said the following...

"Oh, Louisiana.. you are from Louisiana? Looks like a lot of good things come from Louisiana!"

The less traumatized girl with her eye on the perfect white dress would have said something like...

"Why Sir, are you referring to me...? (Hair flip) You are obviously a man of wealth and taste. May I ask you to accompany me to lunch?"

my baggage laden reaction...

"Excuse me!!?? What exactly do you mean by that remark? What "good things" are you referring too? Puhleeze!" (EXITS LEFT)

Mr. Dreamy was obliterated! And yes, that was a mild episode!

So, I cried in my husband's arms the other night, I have done my very best to reconnect with those that I tortured most severely. I have apologized to my best ability and begun the process of forgiving myself. I also have gained a good understanding of why I was the way that I was and am so thankful for the woman, wife, and mom I have become. I do feel better.

I guess I just want to say that I am so amazed that I was still the owner of some 20 year old pain. I don't think I allowed myself to feel the pain when it occurred and It's almost like God held back the memory of the pain until I was ready to experience it. Well, I did... for two days! I still have Marty Feldman eyes and find mascara application to be a challenge!

Jason still rocks... and btw.. he is from Texas and carries a badge!

posted by Ash @ 1/13/2009 09:36:00 PM, , links to this post

Tarrrrrrgut!
11 January 2009

We are off to enjoy a completely exhausting day of shopping at TARGET! Ellie's birthday is on Monday. My baby boo will be FOUR! We need a few toys and some groceries and cup cakes for her class. We are having the big PARTY and Chuck E. Cheese on Monday evening. All of the most important 4 year old's in O-Town will be there! It's rumored that Dora and Barbie will make an appearance! We are so excited! Anyway... Target, Sushi, and possibly a movie with the kids. My kind of Sunday afternoon!

posted by Ash @ 1/11/2009 01:57:00 PM, , links to this post

"Get a Hobby"
08 January 2009

I was talking with my dad the other day and he told me about an article in his local newspaper. He said that the reporter went around the city asking people about their hobbies. My Dad asked me what my hobby was. I began to think about it. He went on to explain that a hobby is something that a person does for themselves. A hobby is supposed to be a time for yourself that benefits you. So, your hobby can not be something like your Son's baseball team or your daughter's soccer team.

I have decided that I enjoy writing for the Pond and that I have neglected my hobby for far too long. So, I have made the decision, on Jan. 8th, that my resolution is to spend more time writing and to spend more time with God (because that is usually what inspires me to write about the world I live in). I would also like to encourage my blogging friends to get back up on their computers and write!

Thank you Pond readers for your encouragement and support.

So funny, I am a Literature / Writing teacher for 2 sections of the 7th grade. (I also teach 4 sections of High School Spanish I and II) I am the sponsor of the middle school writing club "The Inklings." I am encouraging them to journal and blog. So, I think it only fair that I pick up my "pen" as well.

posted by Ash @ 1/08/2009 10:15:00 AM, , links to this post

I was thinking...
20 July 2008

Here I am... on the verge of 41 years of age. Goodness! Where did my 30s go? Did I grow up yet? If I have... when did it "happen" and what does that mean... to grow up?

I do know that I make better decisions now, I am not as selfish as I used to be... I have learned how to forgive... and I just don't get so worked up anymore... oh yeah... and I not as bummed about who I am as I was at one time. I have found that being me is ok... and sometimes even fun! I have direction and purpose in my life as a Wife, Mother, and Teacher.

My husband and I own a house and a couple of cars It would be a VERY big deal if we had to move. I used to be able to fit everything I owed in a VW and hit the road in less than an afternoon.

So, I guess I AM grown-Up. Funny, I forget that I'm grown-up sometimes, until my students tell me a joke I don't get or I see the new hot band on TV and I find that I have never heard of them. YIKES! It happened! I'm actually out of touch...

I was thinking about an experience I had in college. I had just become a Christian. I mean like it had been a couple of weeks.

Now, before I got saved, one of my party pals, who was a close friend's roommate, started dating this dorky Christian guy. After a while, she stopped hanging out with us, started going to church, threw away a bunch of her stuff and eventually got engaged! We were devastated and more than a little disgusted with this Christian dork! We hated the guy! We were not very nice to him and our relationships with him and our former friend deteriorated into awkward smiles as we passed each other in the halls.

Needless to say, this Christian guy did not have to spend much time thinking about how I felt about him... I was very good at communicating my feelings at that point in my life!

Anyway, I go on and on just to say this one thing.

Back to the one or two weeks after I got saved. I was walking to class one afternoon and as I looked up the pathway, I saw the Christian boyfriend who had stolen away our party pal. We had never spoken more than 2 words to each other and would normally handle this incident like we did not know each other.

We made eye contact and smiled continually at each other as we made our way to meet. We got closer to one another on the sidewalk and, without saying one word to each other, we embraced. We said goodbye to each other and continued on our way.

We are still friends to this day.

Thank you Lord for giving me such a wonderful experience at that time in my life and thank you for bringing it to the front of this 40 year old mind.

posted by Ash @ 7/20/2008 12:01:00 PM, , links to this post

Marty Does Have A Point!
17 June 2008

Yes... I have neglected what once used to be my favorite pastime! I have many things to report! First, God has seen fit to return my job to me. PRAISE HIM!!! I have learned quite a bit about forgiveness and discovered my own personal maturity through this experience. I, Ashley Trahan, actually walked up to a person and apologized for my wrong doing. What is important to note about this exchange is that I was convinced that this person had a part in the tarnishing of my professional reputation. So, God has afforded me the ability to hold myself responsible for my actions in the face of harm. Amazing!

I think I also grew up a bit and discovered my backbone. I was told by a person, who I admired greatly, that I was not a teacher and that Westminster was not the place for me. After a few weeks of searching and heartbreak, I returned to the place of our original meeting at let this person know that I felt that their opinion of me was wrong. I told them that God had called me to be a teacher at Westminster Christian Academy and that I felt He had prepared me to be at WCA for my lifetime.

So, I hung on for the remainder of the year convinced that I would return. Some of my co-workers believed me to be in denial and urged me to find another teaching position. It was very difficult, at times, to sit through end of the year meetings and planning for the next year and notice the absence of my name on schedules and planning paperwork. My students would tell me that they were taking my class in the next year and were excited about the experience. To smile and say, "me too!" was tough!

I was reminded almost daily to keep my eyes on God. I signed my contract last Wednesday and continue to be amazed by the one who has comforted me and saved me from myself. My husband was OK too! (ha!)

This most recent experience will be one that I will look back on in order to reassure and uphold my faith in future times of struggle.

In the 08-09 school year, I will be teaching 7th grade literature and High School Speech! I am so thankful and pleased! I will be teaching "A Christmas Carol", "The Hobbit", "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe" and other amazing stories! So cool and such a great fit for me!

Who knows what will happen nest year. I dunno! I do know that, no matter what, God will continue to repair this cracked pot! He has promised to improve all of us as long as we give Him access to ourselves!

Smoocihes!!!

Signed the Diaper Free Trahan!

ASH

posted by Ash @ 6/17/2008 03:19:00 PM, , links to this post

Summer!!!
06 June 2007

Summer is finally here! I have been so preoccupied with school! My entire life has changed. Last Friday was my last day for the 2006 - 2007 school year. People, I am a high school teacher! God has such a sense of humor! High school graduation was the same day and time as the Memorial Day Reunin in Texas. I wanted so badly to be with Jane, but I could not have missed graduation. It was your typical ceremony, except that I cried like an idiot! I know that is hard for most of you to believe. I am so overwhelmed by the feelings I grew for those kids! I will miss them. Time for another year. I am anxious to see what God has in store for me. He has indeed granted me the desires of my heart! I love my job so much! Next year I will teach Speech and Drama. I had quite a job teaching British Literature. I will look forward to teaching what I love! More later! Have a wonderful summer. I am back to being a stay at home mom for 10 weeks. I am already bored and so are my kids!

posted by Ash @ 6/06/2007 08:04:00 PM, , links to this post

The Author

Ashley Trahan

Ashley is a Part-time Stay-at-Home-Mom/ Teacher/Writer/Singer/Person of Adaptability. She has a B.A. in Theatre and Speech from Northwestern State University in Natchitoches, Louisiana. She finished her Master of Communication Arts at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas. This writer in interested in sharing her experiences with life, her relationship with God, family and friends. She focuses on relationships, mothering, teaching, theater and writing. You have found a Swim in the Pond. Wade in. You do not have to be a Duck to enjoy the water.

My Family

This photo of my family was taken in November 2005. I look at it and think, "oh my gosh, I'm the Mom! When did this happen?" Anyway, we have all grown like weeds! The kids are getting taller and Mommy and Daddy are just spreading!

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My Utmost for His Highest
Oswald Chambers
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I Like a Little T.V.

American Idol
All Seasons
Award Shows
I will even watch "The Relley's"
Beauty Pagents
I am a girl from the South.
I enjoy pagents for so many reasons!(any pagent)
Best Comedy on TV!
CSI Crime Scene Investigation
No Locations please.
That redhead in Miami drives me NUTS!
I mean, who talks, stands, acts like that?
Saturday Night Live
Good or Bad - I am a SNL Addict!
All Seasons Produced by Lorne Michaels
Who Wants to be A Millionaire
Regis and Beyond